AM I IN THE RIGHT PLACE???

         People feel "guilty" for a variety of reasons, not all of which 
     are really true guilt...  Sometimes, they feel what they call guilt 
     because of things over which they had no control; or, which had 
     virtually no effects upon anyone.  Other times, it's just a vague and 
     elusive feeling, which doesn't correspond with any real event.  None 
     of these are "real guilt."  If you're 30 and you're still feeling 
     badly about ditching class back in the fourth grade, you definitely 
     have a problem; but, it's not one that I can help you with...  If you 
     feel badly about engaging in something which is essentially obsessive 
     and/or compulsive behavior, same situation...  
         If, on the other hand, what you are experiencing is guilt which 
     qualifies as severe remorse over events which caused real harm and 
     over which you had a reasonable degree of control and culpability, 
     you've found the right web site...  Its purpose is to offer you a 
     means of obtaining closure regarding the issues which have been 
     damaging not only your lives, but, more often than not, even the 
     lives of those around you, (often for years...)


    .    Some people find it useful to sit down and write out the 
    answers to the following questions.  In addition to getting 
    you better prepared to fill out the application,  answering 
    these questions will (if you send me copies of your answers) 
    help me better determine whether your case is one which I 
    should agree to accept. (I ONLY want to work with you IF 
    it seems that there is a high probability that this WILL help 
    you!)


    .   1) How is my guilt the result of a specific event, or course 
    of events?


    .   2) In what ways did I have a significant amount of control 
    over the outcome?


    .   3) In what ways did a considerable amount of harm occur 
    as the result of my decisions and/or actions?


    .   4) Have people asked me "Just how long are you going to 
    keep punishing yourself for THAT???" and have I found myself 
    replying, either verbally or mentally, with, "I suppose, until 
    someone else does it for me..."?


    .   5) In what ways have I had trouble with my relationships 
    and/or career because of not feeling that I really deserve to 
    succeed after having done what I did?


    .   6) In what ways have I engaged in other self-destructive 
    or self-sabotaging behaviors as the result of, or since, 
    committing the act(s) in question?


    .   7) Do I feel that punishment would be justified if the 
    act(s) had been committed by someone else under similar 
    circumstances?


    .   8) Is it difficult for me to look myself in the eyes (in a 
    mirror) and tell myself that I'm a good and worthwhile 
    person since the act(s) in question?


    .   9) Do I tend to be suspicious of, or think poorly of, people 
    who have a high opinion of me?


    .   10) Do I tend to feel as though, "If they knew what I'd done, 
    they'd think as poorly of me as I do..."?


    .   11) In what ways and situations do I tend to define who I am 
    by what I did?


    .   12) Am I willing to go to virtually any lengths to regain my 
    self-respect?


         Do the results of this exercise seem pretty dismal?  If so, 
     don't despair -- that actually means that there's a good chance 
     I can help.  First, we need to cover a couple of other points 
     before we go much further...


         If your feelings of guilt are NOT tied to a specific event 
     (or, series of events) in your life, in which a considerable 
     amount of harm was done and over which you had a significant 
     degree of control over the outcome, it is more likely the result 
     of a more generalized depression, possiblly due to an imbalance 
     in the chemistry of your brain.  If this seems to be the case, 
     please consult a professional in the fields of medicine or 
     psychology.  If you cannot afford to do so, please check your 
     local phone directory, virtually every town of decent size has 
     free or low cost / sliding scale resources for the treatment of 
     depression.  You don't need what's being offered on this site; 
     and, you should be very glad of that...


         If, on the other hand, your guilt feelings are directly tied 
     to some specific, clearly defined, action or course of events over 
     which you had significant personal control; and, in spite of other 
     attempts to deal with it, you're finding yourself to be your own 
     toughest judge and jury, read on -- you just might have found a 
     way to finally be able to close that chapter of your life and move 
     on into more positive directions...


         This is a course of action which should be undertaken only 
    after having giving careful thought to all which it entails; but, 
    if it's something which you feel you need to do in order to be 
    able able to move forward with your life, it's also important 
    not to drag things out for too long, either.   Procrastinating 
    will do nothing other than to make all of this even harder 
    for you; so, after reading this thoroughly, take a long, deep 
    breath, find yourself a quite place where you aren't likely to 
    be disturbed for a while, and write out a "pro and con list," 
    weighing the two sides carefully within the context of how your 
    life, and the lives of the people around you, are being affected 
    by your feelings of guilt and self-condemnation, the potential 
    benefits involved in being able to resolve that guilt; and, the 
    fear, pain, and emotional struggles inherent in going through 
    with this...  If the "cons" outweigh the "pros," just drop me a 
    quick e-mail letting me know that (and, if you don't mind some 
    indication of your reason for deciding not to pursue this); at 
    which point, I wish you all the best and move your file over 
    into the "no further follow-up folder...  If you re-contact me 
    at some point in the future, I'll have access to what you had 
    sent me; or, if a change occurs which makes this process better 
    fit your situation, I'll have your file; but, otherwise, I won't 
    bother you with any further follow-ups.  PLEASE DO have the 
    common courtesy to let me know, though!  If you just drop out 
    of contact, assuming that I'll take that to mean that you aren't 
    interested, you're robbing time from people who need and want 
    my time, since I've learned from experience that I can't make 
    that assumption...  If the "pro's" outweigh the "con's," fear 
    doesn't change facts; so, drop me an e-mail with any further 
    questions and concerns.  Although getting this new place is 
    wreacking havok with my e-mail response times, I will always 
    answer any sincerely asked question as quickly, honestly, and 
    thoroughly as I can. (Given the nature of the internet and the 
    diversity of the people who contact me, I'm sure that you can 
    guess the exceptions to this...)  Once you've decided that this 
    is something which you need to do and that I'm a safe person to 
    trust, begin working on the application and medical questionaire.  
    Dragging your feet will only make all of this even harder for you, 
    emotionally.


     .   Last; but, anything BUT "least," I realize that the prospect of 
     contacting me after having read all of this web site is enough to scare the 
     daylights out of just about anyone who feels as though they might 
     need my services...  No one other than you can make the decision 
     whether, or not, you'll take that long, deep, breath and click on 
     one ofthe e-mail links which are provided.  I suggest that you weight 
     the damage that your guilt is doing to your life and the lives of 
     those around you.  If it's fairly insignificant, don't click on the 
     link....  If, on the other hand, it's causing some real problems, 
     bear in mind that fear doesn't change facts, only action does...  
     Obtaining more information, bookmarking this page, even filling out 
     the application you'll be sent are many steps away from actually 
     committing to going down this path...  As long as you're serious, 
     I DON'T feel as though people are "wasting my time" by contacting 
     me.  I have very little tolerance for people who're only looking for 
     "grins and giggles;" but, I have a LOT of patience with anyone who 
     is sincere.  I'll do what I can, even when it involves helping you to 
     find some other route, if there seems to be any which might work for 
     you.  Contacting me or even filling out the application doesn't 
     obligate either of us; so, just break it down into small steps and 
     see where things go from there... {smile}








RETURN TO THE HUB PAGE


E-mail: Kathy (Renbarger) at:  fedup@okplus.com












              Last updated on: 11/01/2002