PRELIMINARY NOTE:

.    I deal with a wide variety of people; so, although not 
every one of the following comments are going to apply to 
each person who will be reading this, I believe that most 
people will relate to enough of these preliminary points to 
justify posting them...

.    There is a very high likelihood that, even those of you 
who have "reached the end of your rope" in terms of dealing 
with your feelings of guilt, will find yourselves feeling 
extremely scared while reading this file.  A part of you is 
probably going to be working overtime to come up with reasons 
why you "don't feel THAT guilty!!!"  The desire will be there 
to "run like hell" by dropping out of contact; or, if you do 
make it past that point, to come up with a myriad of excuses 
to procrastinate ever actually coming here.  On the one hand, 
that is a perfectly natural reaction - - - on the OTHER, let's 
take a look at the reality of things...  Since you're reading 
this, there's a very high probability that you've replied to 
an ad, posted by someone who (at the moment) is a complete 
stranger to you, offering the therapeutic use of serious 
corporal punishment to expiate guilt.  That isn't the type 
of a thing which people tend to do lightly...  Since I make 
it clear in my ads that I don't do "bdsm;" unless you're one 
of the folks who've decided to ignore or disbelieve that 
important point, this implies several others:
1) Your guilt feelings are causing some MAJOR problems in 
your life; or, you would never have answered such an ad in 
the first place.
2) You've reached a point in your life where you really want 
to be able to move on from your past; but, you haven't been 
able to do so.
3) If that guilt was going to be resolved easily / by some 
means which didn't scare the heck out of you, you would 
already have done so and we wouldn't be "having this 
conversation..."
4) Having mustered up the courage to contact me, I'd be 
doing you a grave disservice if I were to play any sort of 
"games" with you.  I honor the fact that going through this 
process involves a lot of commitment on your part; and, 
anyone with that level of commitment deserves to have it 
work for them...  That would not happen if this process 
was an easy one...
5) Walking through the fear involved is one of the elements 
which make this process so effective; so, even if there were 
no other reasons for full disclosure of the facts (ethics, 
informed consent, etc.), I'd be cheating you out of a very 
valuable tool if I were to "sugar coat" the fact that, when you 
leave here, you will have EARNED that "emotional pardon." 
(Which is the only way to avoid having your subconscious 
try to find ways to invalidate that pardon.)

.    Two questions I'm commonly asked are "What sort of people turn  
to a solution like this?" and, "What sort of things have they done?"  
The people who contact me generally have a strong set of ethics; 
but, due to some lapse, rationalization, or negligence have done 
something which they simply can not excuse or resolve within the 
self-image of the person they feel they should be.  The types of 
transgressions vary widely.  Some are of a strictly moral nature, 
others were of a variety which would have landed them into prison, 
if they had been caught or if all of the true facts had come out at 
the time.  Sometimes the events happened while a person was actively 
abusing alcohol or some other substance; then, after they had stopped 
that behavior, they were still plagued by what they had done "in 
their former life."  Some events, similarly, occurred prior to some 
other life changing event, which caused considerable changes in their 
attitudes and behaviors.  Still others have been "accidents" which 
occured as the result of negligence, out of control emotions, etc.  
They do NOT tend to be "weirdos" or "bad people;" and, we don't 
treat them as such.  Anyone having the courage, conscience, and ethics 
it takes to go through with this difficult course of action has also 
earned the right to be treated with some dignity.  

.    Just because large segments of society now insist that there 
should be few, if any, rules of ethics; and, that any feelings of a 
need for punishment are the off-shoots of either depression or BDSM 
tendencies, this does NOT make their opinions accurate.  I've seen 
people drive themselves into substance abuse, the self-sabotaging of 
jobs or relationships, domestic violence situations, suicide attempts, 
and a variety of other self-destructive behaviors because of those 
prevailing attitude that there is something disturbed or kinky about 
the person not being able to just dismiss any legitimate guilt, 
without having experienced some punishment for the actions which 
precipitated it...  "Just forgive yourself and go on!" SOUNDS good; 
but, there's nothing abnormal about a person needing some assistance 
in accomplishing that.  Providing a safe, confidential, and effective 
means of delivering a fair and objectively determined punishment 
for their actions is a far better (and, ulitimately, even a more 
compassionate) solution than just letting them dig themselves into 
a deeper hole, to a chorus of, "Just get over it!..."

.    Some of you might feel inclined to balk at the idea of doing 
the written work, preferring that all of this could be done in the 
course of an hour or so; or, with far less disclosure on your part.  
For a few of you, this is just laziness; but, for most, this comes 
from embarrassment and/or fear that your confidentiality might 
be breached.  For those who are "lazy," all I can say is that no 
one can just wave some sort of a magical wand and "fix you."  
You got yourself into this mess and it's going to take some 
serious work on your part to get your life back together and be 
able to move on.  There are a lot of things in life that most of us 
wish would "just sort of happen," without any major effort on our 
part; but, real life just doesn't work that way... {shrug}  Some 
might say, "BUT!!!  Shouldn't getting whipped be ENOUGH!?!?!?  
I already know what I did; so, why shouldn't it be?"  For those of 
you out there thinking this, it's important for me to emphasize 
that the written work involves a lot more than just "confessing" 
and is just as essential an element in this process's success 
as the punishment phase is, if not  even more so...  Without 
the direct mental link between the events and the consequences, 
which the rest of the process fosters, the subconscious mind 
tends to miss the connection and "the switch not get flipped" 
to allow long-term results.  Since I'm not a sadist and I'm not 
"in it for the money;" if I'm going to do this at all, it's going to 
be in a way which has the highest probability of helping you 
to accomplish your goals...  If you don't want to do the writing, 
I suggest that you go to a dom/me.  When that doesn't work 
for you, come on back and we can do this in a way that will...  
(Still so sure that you wouldn't just rather do it right in the 
first place???)

.    Before I depart this topic, I'd like to add notes on the 
issues of embarrassment and confidentiality:  
A) Regarding embarrassment, in the overall scheme of life, 
my opinion of you is REALLY NOT ALL that important...  Even 
though I generally stay in contact with my former clients 
and many of them have gone on to become friends, do to the 
distances involved, it's generally of the "cyber-friend" 
variety.  The bottom line is that we visit by e-mail and 
phone (as needed), you're here for a few days, and you go 
back home, usually never to see me again.  If you happen 
to be in the OKC area, or I pass through your town, we 
might get together to visit over a meal; but, that's still 
considerably different from "having to show your face" if 
you'd disclosed these things to someone you were around on 
a regular basis and who's opinion of you really mattered to 
you...  LOL, besides, there's a very high probability that, 
somewhere within the years I've been doing this,  I've heard 
MUCH worse...
B)  Regarding confidentiality, all I can say is that, even 
though it's a reasonable concern, I take extensive precautions 
to protect the information you provide to me; and, I follow 
a set of confidentiality standards which are comparable to 
those adhered to by licensed therapists.  How do you know for 
certain that I'm not just trying to collect information with 
which to blackmail you?  All I can really do to reassure you 
is to be as open as possible about who I am, etc. (Which is 
not something that folks with plans of blackmail are inclined 
to do...)   My primary interest is one of getting changes made 
in the criminal justice system and working with "guilt clients" 
evolved out of and as a sideline to that other effort.  (See: 
www.reducecrime.org for more info. on all of that.)  Getting 
charged with extortion would damage my credibility and is not 
something I'd risk.  Most of you are nowhere near being rich 
and even if you were (ethics aside for this discussion, since 
ethics are something which are proven by what a person DOES 
rather than what s/he says about them; and, because I touch 
on them in what I plan to append this to...), what I could 
make from extorting you is no where near what I could make 
as a lead consultant to states which will eventually pass the 
CAS bill and need someone to set things up, screen and train 
staff, etc.  Even if I had the ethics of a goat, I'd have to 
also be totally stupid to risk so much for so little...  One 
additional safeguard which I not only allow but encourage, is 
for people to change certain (less relevant) details in such 
a way as to make them unusuable to anyone who might try to 
cause them problems.  Each individual situation has differences; 
and, it is important not to tamper with the basic (emotionally 
charged) points; but, it's normally possible to change details 
such as locations, dates, people's last names, etc. without it 
undermining the effectiveness of the process.  By doing so, the 
information becomes just so much "disprovable fiction" to any 
potential extortionist.  I especially encourage doing this when 
the information involved could cause harmful results to another, 
if it were ever to become known. 
.    An important side note I should add is that it seems rather 
unwise to me for anyone to consider entrusting someone with their 
physical safety whom they didn't feel that you can trust enough 
to be open with him or her...  This doesn't happen overnight; 
and, I have no objections to our visiting by e-mail or phone 
to any extent you need to feel comfortable, even prior to your 
sending me your questionaires.

.    Something which I run into rather often is a fear which is 
best illustrated by, "What if I go through with all of this and 
it doesn't work for me???  What then???"  This is a fear which I 
can certainly appreciate, having seen so much human wreckage left 
by dom/mes who have done "botched jobs" on people who have made 
the mistake of trying to turn to them for help dealing with a 
legitimate guilt issue...  (See the section on how this is very 
different from bdsm to better understand why going to a dom/me 
tends to do little for someone who's motive is guilt expiation.)  
Additionally, avoidance due to a fear of failure is a common human 
tendency, which has often been strongly reinforced by the self-
sabotaging form of self-punishment which so many of my clients have 
had rather long histories of having engaged in.  I could virtually 
write an entire book on this set of mental gymnastics and still not 
touch on all of the complex dynamics involved; so, it's probably best 
to just cut to the bottom lines and repeat the old adage of, "If you 
never even try, you GUARANTEE failure..."  Much of this process IS "an 
inside job;" and, that scares the heck out of a lot of people when they 
realize it.  It's not, however, one which you have to do alone.  It's 
somewhat analogous to driving in an unfamiliar city, there are a lot 
fewer pitfalls when you have a good map and a good guide.  Just as I've 
probably worked with people who have done far worse things than what 
you have; I've also, in all likelihood, helped people who were in far 
worse shape...  If you come here looking for some sort of an eraser 
for your past, obviously, you'll be disappointed -- LOL, my time machine 
is in the shop... {wink}  If you come here with the goal of gaining 
"major improvements and a good foundation upon which to build further 
growth..."  and a strong commitment to obtaining that goal, I can help 
you to do exactly that.

.    Since May 2000, I've been trying to juggle working with 
clients, getting this new place fixed up (which has been a 
MAJOR ordeal!!!) and trying to keep up my e-mail with severe 
limitations on my time; so, I've had no time to follow through 
on putting together a section where former clients can post 
their comments and reflections about how their lives have changed 
for the better, for potential clients to read.  As soon as I no 
longer have to spend all of my "spare time" on fixing this place 
up, such a section is "in the works."  I just have to figure out 
a way to protect people's anonymity, limit posting to ONLY the 
people who've actually been here, and still preserve 
credibility. (I could post all of the comments on my web 
site as .txt pages, guaranteeing the first two; but, how 
would you know that I hadn't filtered them or even just 
written them myself; so, until I can find the time to 
accomplish all three, I'm not sure that there's really 
much of a point in posting them as text files...)

.    Another thing people run up against is a feeling that 
they don't deserve to be free of the effects of their guilt.  
This is sometime "a tough one," because some of you 
HAVE DONE some pretty terrible things.  If you lived in a 
vacuum, there might even (occasionally) be some basis for 
this attitude; BUT, you don't....  The self-sabataging 
behaviors which tend to accompany long-standing severe 
guilt do nothing to change the past and much to damage 
the future of not only yourself but of those around you, 
as well.  A single major incident in ones life can often 
affect innocent parties for decades, further compounding 
the guilt in a seemingly endless downward spiral.  
Isolation and suicide are really not good "solutions" 
because they accomplish nothing positive and much which 
is very negative.  "The world would be better off without 
me..." is based in self-pity, since it ignores the potential 
for positive change.  "I CAN'T change!!!" in all but very 
limited situations, translates to either, "I'm not sure how 
to go about changing..." or "I'm not willing to do what it 
would take to change..."  The only real solution is a clearly 
defined "shifting point," where the past is contextualized 
and afforded closure, with a new emphasis upon building, 
rather than destroying.  That is what this process is 
designed to do...  (And, I should add, accomplishes rather 
well....)  Along the way, you definitely EARN that sense of 
closure and "internal permission" to move on into more 
positive directions.  

.    Before we get much further, I should make it clear to you that 
I am NOT a licensed mental health professional.  Even though 
a few of the people within my organization do have a background 
in counseling or mental health; and, I sometimes consult with them 
when I feel that a person might have problems which are more 
psychological in nature than guilt based; even if one of them were 
to happen to work with you, it would  NOT  be in a professional 
capacity!  We are lay people, with a broad range of backgrounds; 
who's primary focus is one of making much needed changes in the 
criminal justice system, including the use of corporal sentencing, 
as an alternative to incarceration.  We run a small, privately 
operated alternative sentencing pilot program; but, as an off-shoot 
of doing so, we found that we were getting numerous inquiries from 
people who were not facing actual court charges; but, who were in 
serious trouble with "the judge in their own head."  After agreeing 
to help some of these folks, it became apparent that the methods we 
used worked very well for these people, provided there were no other 
significant factors which were contributing to the person's problem.  
Both the CAS (court related) and the guilt program (NON-court related) 
are run along very similar lines; but, they are independant of one 
another.  Prior to getting my own place, I used to travel a lot; and, 
when practical, I used to utilize some of my CAS trainees when I was 
working with a guilt client in their area.  Now, it's extremely rare 
for me to travel, except when a CAS client can't obtain permission 
from the court to travel here; so, unless one of them just happened 
to be here for a visit, I'll be the only one with whom you'll have 
any direct contact.

.    Something which I address in other areas; but, which is 
significant enough to justify noting here is "How is this 
different from bdsm?"  People on both sides of this fence 
tend to allow the fact that corporal punishment is a component 
of each to confuse them as to the major differences between the 
two.  After all, "Getting tied up and whipped is getting tied 
up and whipped, right???"  WRONG!!!  That's just as much of an 
oversimplification as it would be to say "A vehicle is a vehicle..." 
Any surface similarities begin vanishing quickly once you start 
introducing points such as "What is it going to be used for?" 
Bdsm is based in erotic motivations and "playing out fantasies."  
There also appears to be some degree of endorphin manipulation 
and quasi-addiction involved to it, from what I've been able 
to learn about it.  In contrast, the process I use is intended 
for one purpose ONLY -- to make it possible for you to grant 
yourself internal permission to move on with your life, without 
undermining the positive value system which knows that what you 
did was wrong.  There is nothing at all erotic about this process; 
it is entirely "reality based," with no catering to any fantasies; 
and, the way that THESE whippings are done, the endorphins never 
get a chance to catch up until it's all over with...  
.    Where the waters can occasionally get a bit murky is that 
some people, out of a lack of understanding of the differences 
and/or a lack of anywhere else to turn, do resort to involvement 
in bdsm.  Once "there," they find that many of the fundamental 
elements of bdsm not only prevent that from leading to a positive 
outcome for them; but, further compound their problems.  Because 
of that, I no longer automatically refuse to work with someone 
solely due to their having been involved in that "lifestyle;" BUT, 
I do insist in such instances that we are both very clear about 
each others motives and that we're "on the same page" here, in 
spite of any such involvement...  If a person were to somehow 
slip through the screening and get here with a "bdsm hidden 
agenda," they're going to find themself VERY disappointed.  
Even though both programs utilize corporal punishment as a 
signifigant consequence, something else I am NOT is 
affiliated with BDSM...  Despite any surface similarities, 
this process and bdsm are "apples and oranges" from one 
another.  I have no interest in playing out any fantasies 
with you or doing anything even remotely erotic with you.  
This process involves serious work and is intended to afford 
closure to the issues surrounding your past actions, NOT to 
be any sort of "play."  I realize that a few of you might 
have been desperate enough to seek out the services of 
"Dom/mes;" but, if that had worked for you, you probably 
wouldn't be here...  Would you??? 
.    If you did come to this web site looking for bdsm, you're 
in the WRONG PLACE; so, I would suggest that you might 
have a more successful search for what you really want at:  
EXTERNAL LINKS PAGE.  Since some of the places 
where I have to post ads, in order to let people know that 
they have a better alternative than to seek the assistance 
of some dom/me, requires reciprocating links, that page is 
where I put them.  Some have rather extensive personal ads 
section, where you should be able to find someone who would 
be happy to play out BDSM fantasies with you.   I ABSOLUTELY 
will NOT!!!
.    As I mentioned above, the amount of time I can devote to 
web site "housekeeping duties" is very limited right now; so, 
please excuse any redundantcy between what you just read and 
what is contained in some of the other files.  When I have the 
time, I'll go back through this file to try to blend it all 
into one smoothly reading piece.  For now, I just want to get 
the information readily accessible...



         To ask questions or request more information, e-mail:
         Kathy Renbarger at:   fedup@okplus.com
         Please include a brief description of your reason 
         for contacting me, so that I'll have a better idea 
         of what to send you.




         To learn more about our organization and its efforts to change 
     criminal justice, go to the CFEJ web site, which is located at: 
http://www.reducecrime.org


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E-mail: Kathy (Renbarger) at:  fedup@okplus.com




              Last updated: 11/01/2002