"HOW ALL OF THIS CAME ABOUT"

ADVANCE APOLOGY:  This file was originally put together by copying 
pieces of numerous e-mails into one "biography," covering close to 
30 years of events. Each "thread" weaves together to form the person 
I am today; but, trying to fit together decades of ones life into a 
synopsis has inherent pitfalls. One of the worst of these is a certain 
amount of disjointedness. Over time, I've tried to make it read more 
smoothly; but, a certain amount of jumping back and forth on the time 
line is unavoidable. I apologize in advance for any headaches one 
might get from trying to read it. ;-p)

QUESTION:

      Will you tell me about yourself, how you began all this, 
and why... and maybe what you personally benefit from all this, 
morally, spiritually etc., and maybe a bit about you personally.
it's a little confusing for me to understand how and why a person 
would wish to administer corporal punishment to another. I hope 
I do not offend you by asking, as I know I am the one that contacted 
you, but I just need to get to know you more, okay? 

ANSWER:

R: No problem! It's such a commonly asked question that I'm not 
only not offended; but, have answered it so many times that I can 
just "copy and paste" most of the answer. {smile}

I'm 45 (46 in March, 2000) and run an organization called Citizens 
For Effective Justice, which evolved out of a book I wrote in 1994,
about how we could reduce crime and prison overcrowding.  In some
ways, this system is tougher than what we currently have; but, in
many others, it's a lot more compassionate.  

One of the primary underlying problems with our current system is 
that we have a :"Catch 22" that boils down to, "If you incarcerate 
a non-hardened offender, more often than not, you get back a hard-
core criminal (or, someone who's been so traumatized by their 
contact with fellow inmates that their chances for much of any 
long-term sucess are still pretty dismal); but, on the other hand, 
if you just put them on probation with the intermediary sanctions 
which are currently availible to our courts, it's a total joke to 
most of them; and only perpetuates the cycle until most of them 
are irretrievible."  

Back when I was 18, I spent 5 and a half months as a part of a 
street patrol (in this case, aka. "vigillante." {shrug}) group 
which "cleaned up" our section of the town I lived in, using some 
of the harsher elements of the system which I now advocate (I've 
made some major changes in the one I now advocate; but, this one
did have its original roots in that earlier one.) Out of that
time, we had only TWO people whom we had to handle twice...
Even though we were a rather motley assortment of folks, efforts
were made to be fair; and, there was an unbendable rule that
anyone who voted on a punishment had to witness it being carried
out (which ties in later on in all of this...)  

An intresting side note to that time is that a gal whom we'd caught 
for selling heroin; whom we then wound up taking in and helping to
kick her habit, eventually joined up with us.  Silver (her nick name)
initially just helped out with the meal we put on in the park every
evening; but, after a while, decided to train with us to pick up some
self-defense.  From there, she went from just tagging along quite a
bit to being fully active with the patrol.  We wound up partnering
up quite a bit, since I'd been the one who'd originally made the offer
(while guarding her while we were waiting for her sentence to be
decided) that if she really DID want to kick and get away from the
scumbag she was dealing for, we'd do everything we could to help her.
About 3 1/2 months after the night we'd busted her, she described
that night as "The absolute worst night of my life; AND, absolutely
the best thing that ever happened to me..."  I think this, combined 
with her being really tough on the people who's sentences she voted 
on and the fact that  she was still clean the last time I was in 
contact with her (3 years later), had a fairly profound effect on 
me.

When I left there, I came back to Oklahoma, became a lot less 
radical, got married, etc., and had pretty well put all of that 
behind me until one night in '78, when I caught a fellow with my 
motorcycle pushed about halfway out my front gate.  He begged me 
not to call the police and laid such a sob story on me that I 
decided to give him a choice -- either I could call the police
and they could handle things; OR, *I* could take care of the
situation myself...  He opted for the latter.  I didn't have
any of the heavier (low voltage type) cord that the fellow who
had done these whippings (back in '72) had made his whip from;
so, I cut up a flat extension cord and bumped the number of
lashes that I would have felt appropriate (back in '72) up from
20 to 30, to compensate for the differences between the whips
and my size.  This is where I discovered that the lighter cord
actually does one heck of a lot more damage to a person's skin
than the low-voltage cable does...  Suffice it to say that before
I was finished he was really wishing that he'd opted for going to
jail...  I also learned that anger only carries a person so far
in carrying out one of these whippings...  I finished it; but,
the last few certainly didn't match the force of the first few...  

Again, all of this just went back into the catagory of "history," 
with the exception of my using a set of handcuffs to lock the 
back wheel of my motorcycle to its frame.  

In '79, I got hooked on jumping out of airplanes; going on to 
get my jumpmaster rating in late '80.  In April of '81, after 
one of the friendliest divorces in history, I moved to Z-Hills, 
Florida, to Ridgly,Maryland, back to Deland, Florida, then to 
Dickenson, Texas -- working at various skydiving centers.  The 
primary relevence of this tidbit is that working with student 
skydivers taught me a lot of things about helping people to 
overcome their fears in order to accomplish their objectives, 
which aren't all that different from some of the techniques 
which I use with my clients today....  

In '84, I was going to college at TSTI in Waco, Tx., learning to 
fly airplanes, with the intent of eventually going into corporate 
avaiation. TSTI had an excellent aviation program; but, other than 
that (and two or three of the other programs), it was pretty well
a "party school" for a lot of overgrown teenagers and folks who'd
partied their way out of other colleges.  As a very serious 30 year
old adult, who was doggedly intent upon maintaining as close to a
4.0 GPA as possible, I gave housing major fits trying to come up
with a roommate that I wouldn't run off. {smirk}  

Finally, they matched me up with a gal who had quite a few years 
of recovery in AA and NA; and, who was really serious about being 
there to actually learn something, as well.  This match worked out 
and we were roommates throughout her time there.  Since I was also a 
"non-party'er," I took to hanging out a lot with her and her friends, 
most all of whom were in either AA or NA; and, going to some of their 
meeting and functions with her.  I learned a lot and made some really 
good friends, some of whom I'm still in contact with.  

I had finished all of my classwork, had about 120 flight hours and 
my private pilot's license; plus, my writtens passed for my commercial, 
instrument, and CFI ratings in '86; but, I was having a very hard time 
coming up with the money to pay the $37 / hour solo and $52 / hour 
dual time I needed to finish the flight hours required to graduate.  
Through a chain of events, I wound up chasing bond jumpers in an 
attempt to come up with that money. It didn't pay for the flying I 
needed; but, I got sort of hooked on it and developed an interest 
in law enforcement and criminal justice.  It also taught me one heck 
of a lot.  I started thinking about eventually combining them with 
flying, first to perhaps fly in some law enforcement capacity; then, 
going into corporate with the sideline of executive security and 
protection.  

In spite of any protrayals to the contrary, tracking involves a LOT 
of sitting around in absolute boredom, watching a house, etc.; so, 
when working with a partner (which I sometimes did) you get to the 
point where you've heard each other's "life story" 19 times over, run 
out of things to talk about; so, the tendency is to start (verbally) 
"fixing the world..." {grin}  Out of some of those discussions, some 
of the other groundwork was laid for what eventually wound up in my 
book.  

In late spring of '87, one of the AA-involved friends I'd acquired 
had a fellow whom he was sponsoring that was having an extremely 
difficult time staying sober because of some severe guilt feelings 
and the devastation to his self-respect which had occured as the 
result of them. This friend knew a little of my background, as the 
result of having asked me about my habit of locking my motorcycle 
up with a set of handcuffs. The fellow he was sponsoring had made 
a comment to the effect of wishing that there were still the old-
style monastaries, where flogging was a common form of imposed 
penance, since he didn't see too much of any other way to be able 
to put his guilt behind him.   After my friend talked to me about 
the situation (and, my hving some very mixed feelings about helping 
out, I might add...), the 3 of us wound up working what amounted to 
my first "guilt case..."  After a couple of years of this guy not 
getting much over 60 to 90 days sober at a strech, he wound up 
staying sober this time around.  (He'd had about two and a half 
months prior to this; but, had been headed for another relapse.)  

As far as I was concerned, it had been a "one time deal;" but, 
about a year and a half later, the first fellow I'd helped brought 
a fellow whom HE was now sponsoring to me, since he was having
problems similar to what he'd had.  Based upon how what I'd done
had help him, he managed to talk me into working with this other
guy...  When I left Texas in late 1989, both of them were still
sober and doing fairly well.  It seemed that the whipping I'd
given each of them had served as some sort of a turning point for 
them which allowed them to put their past into the past and move
on into more positive directions.  I still didn't have any interest
in making a habit of whipping people, though...

In May of '88, I met both of my bio-parents in Oklahoma, back in 
Okla.  In Sept. of '88, my adoptive Mom died (my adoptive Dad had 
died in '75).  I wound up inheriting the family home (in OKC),
along with about 3 years of mortgage payments, which were left on
it.  Tracking is "feast or famine" in the money department; so,
it was a real struggle trying to pay road expenses to track, my
rental expenses and bills in Waco, and keep the house up here in
Oklahoma.  Plus, I really wanted to spend sometime getting to know
my bio-folks, while they were still living.  I started trying to
only take on enough files to keep afloat and wrap up some of the
more important one's I'd committed to working, with the intent
being to be able to move back to Oklahoma.  (Which I eventually did
around Christmas of '89...)

In mid-'89, the son of a friend of mine came home, after having spent 
about 9 month in a Texas prison, as the result of a burglary he'd been 
involved in, to obtain money for drugs.  I had known the kid during his 
several attempts to get clean; and, when he was, he had been a fairly 
good kid; but, he'd had one heck of a struggle with trying to stay away 
from his old friends, many of whom he'd been close to since childhood.  
He'd drift back to them, a little at a time, wind up falling back into 
the "maybe just one wouldn't hurt anything...." mental trap, and wind 
up back into full-blown addiction.  To make a long story shorter, he 
came out of a prison a total basket case, with severe PTSD from having 
been repeatedly gang-raped; his front teeth having been knocked out 
(the more predatory inmates will commonly do that to "new fish" to make 
it easier to force the inmate to perform oral sex on them); he'd had a 
couple of ribs cracked during his attempts to resist; etc.  He would 
wake up in the middle of the night screaming, his whole personality 
had changed into one where "being tough" and "not taking any shit from 
anyone" had become a high priority with him; and, he found himself with 
a LOT of suicidal and self-destructive tendencies.  During one of these 
suicidal bouts, his Mom (not wanting him to have to go to a state-run
mental hospital, where'd just be drugged up, since drugs were a major
component of his problems!) asked several of us to help her keep a
watch on him for several days, while she tried to get him into a private
facility which didn't just dope them up.  We did; and, at one point, I
found myself sitting in her floor, hugging him as he cried his eyes out
in the midst of a mental flashback, and thinking back to how at least WE
had had to witness the effects of any penalty which WE had imposed !!!
I wondered about how some of the folks who could so self-rightously send
this kid into an environment where the abuses he'd undergone were a virtual
certainty (while they would've looked down their noses and probably called
US "criminals" for whipping the people that we caught and tried...); would 
handle it if THEY had had to witness all that THEIR sentence had REALLY 
entailed......  Sure, he had committed the crime; and, deserved to have 
been punished for having done so; and, he hadn't been formally sentenced 
to everything which had happened to him; but, he was placed in a situation 
where these things were a virtual certainty; so, society's responsibility 
can't be totally negated...  If we'd caught this kid doing a burglary, 
he would have been seriously whipped and he'd have had a tough time of 
it; but, no where approaching what had happened to him and without the 
serious after-effects which he was suffering.  

Over the years, I'd seen numerous examples of the system not working, 
either because of the current probation system only perpetuating the 
problem, leading to the person winding up in prison, anyway; or, 
situations such as this kid's, where the actual punishment was nothing 
short of draconian for the crime committed. Consequences ARE essential; 
but, for most crimes, they shouldn't destroy the person, their life, 
and their families...  

One exception I have to the above is exemplified by the 4th whipping 
that I did, in the spring of '91....  A long-time (female) friend's 
12 year old daughter was raped by my friend's cousin, whom she'd been 
allowing to stay at her home for a while (not knowing until this had 
happened that he has any such inclinations...)  After she found out 
what had happened, she was horrified and immediately threw him out of 
the house; but, she was also very concerned about the effects which 
the court process might have on her daughter, who was then 13...  She 
turned to me for help, since she'd known me even before my time as a 
vigillante, knew about the guy I'd caught trying to steal my motorcycle, 
and knew about my later associations with law enforcement.  I REALLY did 
NOT want to be involved in this situation; and, there was (admittedly) a 
side of me who was somewhat inclined to contribute to him becoming a 
permanent "missing person;" but, this friend was fairly insitant that 
she wanted to try to spare her daughter the ordeal of cross-examination 
and "getting raped all over again in court." SO...  I snagged the cousin 
and gave him the choice between: A) Going to jail, with the assurance 
that we had someone who was willing to get himself arrested in order to 
"put the word out" inside the jail of what this piece of sewer scum was 
being held for, OR, B) 100 lashes, followed by him "voluntarily" going 
into pervert therapy and alcohol treatment, and NEVER having any further 
contact with my friend's daughter.  My friend was going to keep fairly 
close tabs on him through their mutual family; and, even though he 
claimed that he was in a "black out" and didn't even remember having 
done it, much less having any pedophile type of thoughts, if she ever 
heard of him having even any POTENTIAL reoccurrances, much less actual 
ones, her daughter WOULD testify against him and they WOULD find a way 
to make sure that all of the other inmates knew what he'd done... (child 
molesters don't fare well in prisons.........)   

This is the ONLY whipping that I've ever done that I got any enjoyment 
out of the person's suffering, at all.  I absolutely loathed this guy 
and what he had done; plus, his excuses, denial; and, his concern for
his own well-being more than that of his victim, further "fanned the
flames."  I deliberately used the narrower type of cord; and, I put
everything I had into each lash.  Part of it was that I knew that
pedophiles have a rather dismal recovery rate and I wanted him to
break out into cold sweats of fear at even the sight of another kid;
but, part of it was a rather dark side to myself that's only real
concern if I'd killed him would've been where to have disposed of the
body...  So, there IS a "dark side" to me, just as there really is
with everyone; and, it took some time for me to come to terms with
having seen my own so clearly, since that isn't something which any of 
us like to have to face...  

As for him, he did do the follow up measures that we'd insisted upon; 
and, to the best of our knowledge, never molested another kid.  He was 
killed in a car wreck a couple of years later; so, now, I don't have 
to worry about having potentially kept him alive by keeping him out of 
prison; and, thus, whether he might be doing anything else to any other 
kids (which DID worry me, before he died in the wreck...)  

I went on about my business after that, applying with OKC police 
department and making it through all of their screening with the 
exception of the uncorrected vision requirements.  I was looking 
into ways to get laser surgery on my eyes; and, in the meantime, 
applied with the Lincoln County Sheriff's office. (My bio-Dad lives 
in Lincoln county and has given me the back corner of his 62 acres 
out there, where I eventually want to move...)  They tentatively 
approved my application; but, they have a rather low turn-over rate 
and didn't have any openings.  A friend of mine owned a security 
company which specialized in "cleaning out" drug and gang activity 
from privately run Section 8 apartment complexes; plus, did some 
private investigations and bodyguard work on the side; so, I went 
to work with him pending either an opening at Lincoln SO or being 
able to afford the laser surgery I'd need to qualify for OKCPD.  

In Jan. '92, while working a 12 hour shift in the middle of one of 
OKC's worst ice storms in years, I went down 2 very steep concrete 
steps onto my butt and had to literally crawl to a more secure 
location.  I finished my shift and even worked another 8 months 
with that company; but, it turned out that I'd rather seriously 
ruptured the two bottom disks of my spine; so, I went into sort of 
downward spiral of my physical conditioning.  Finally, I had little 
option than to admit that maybe I WASN'T "bullet-proof" and the "a 
stupid patch of ice" COULD "get me..." By then, I'd pretty well 
ground what was left of those two disks down to virtually nothing. 
There was some discussion of fusing them; but, a test they did to
see if fusion would help indicated that it would probably only make
things even worse.

Anyway....  While I was off-work, that friend sold the company to 
a guy that I didn't like and who quickly ran it into bankruptcy.  
With my occupational background being primarily in fields which 
required being in excellent physical condition, my employment 
prospects weren't too great, given the shape I was in.  I had 
money coming in from worker's comp.; but, I was on the verge of 
going "stir-crazy" from having very little to do after having 
been so active all of my life...  

Towards the end of '93, there was that joke of a so-called "Clinton 
crime bill;" and, I found myself saying, "Heck! Even ***I*** could
put together a better "crime bill" than THAT!!!  Too bad that no one
would take me seriously..."  Never one to make unfounded claims or
to gripe without being willing to offer up any solutions (combined
with boredom and WAY too much time on my hands...  {wink}), I put
together what was then little more than an editorial.  With some
encouragement, that developed into about a 30 page pamphlet (much
of which was the basis for the "proposals" section of my book.)
As the book developed, I found that (even some very mainstream)
people actually WERE taking me seriously and even being extremely
encouraging...

Then, in the spring of '94, the Michael Faye case broke in the media.  
With that, I discovered that there was WAY MORE support for the 
concept of bringing corporal sentencing back into the US judicial 
system than I'd ever dreamt possible; and, I developed some concerns 
that, if left to others, we could wind up with caning here (which I 
totally oppose, due to the damage it inflicts, the difficulty of 
gradiating it to fit the crime, the inherent humiliation which is 
involved in stripping a person below the waist, etc....) Also, I 
didn't like the very retributionist approach of many of the folks 
who were endorsing bringing back corporal sentencing...  I've always 
sort of been the type to believe that the right to bitch about a 
problem carries with it an inherent responsibility to work toward a 
solution to the problem being bitched about; so, with no one else 
around that I felt was particularly competent to take the lead, I 
took it myself...  The book turned into an actual, albiet self-
published (since I refuse to sell the rights to it), book...  I went 
to print with it in April of '96, went onto the internet in July of 
'96, and things have been slowly growing ever since.  

In late spring of '94, I was going over and using a friend's computer 
to put my written material onto computer disk.  He'd taken this 19 
year old kid sort of "under his wing."  Another friend of this kid's 
talked him into going "shopping" for a used car CD plater -- at 3am -- 
while it was still in a car.......  They found a likely target, broke 
the window of the car, and were in the prcess of yanking wires, etc. 
to try to remove it when his friend went to get a better screwdriver 
to try to pry it out.  While he was gone, the owner of the car and 
his roommate came out and held the car's doors shut until the police 
(whom they'd already called) arrived.  The kid's "friend" hauled ass 
out of there; he was still in the car, trapped between the car's owner 
and his roommate (both of whom were pretty good sized fellows...)  

Long story shorter, my friend and another friend of his got the kid 
out on bail.  It was pretty well an open and shut case; but, one in 
which the testimony of the victim was necessary for a conviction. 
The minimum the prosecutor assigned to the case was offering was 2 
years.  This kid was all of about 5' 6," maybe 130 pounds soaking 
wet, blond haired, blue eyed, couldn't fight his way out of a wet 
paper sack if his life depended upon it....  Well, I'm sure you get 
the general idea of how he would've fared in prison......  My friend 
with the computer asked me if I thought that I might be able to do 
anything to try to help the kid, since I'd become acquainted with 
some of the folks down at the DA's office and some of them really 
liked what they'd read of my manuscript.  I told him that I was 
willing to try to help; but, the kid would have to ask for any such 
help himself and had to convince me that he was really serious.  It 
was obvious that he was really scared; but, a couple of days later, 
he did. This particular prosecutor was one I hadn't met, though; and, 
she wouldn't even talk to me when I tried to approach her. Finally, I 
wound up talking to his victim and negotiating a deal whereby the kid 
would pay full restitution for the damage which had been done to the 
car; I'd train the guy in how to do the whipping and provide all of 
the equipment for it; I'd work with the kid and then bring him over 
there, where'd he'd get 18 lashes from his victim.  In exchange, his 
victim would ask that the charges be dropped and decline to co-operate 
any further in the prosecution.  We did all of that and the only 
problem was that the aasistant prosecutor assigned to the case about 
had a caniption fit over such a slam-dunk case getting yanked out 
from under her, even threatening to file charges on me for witness 
tampering.  Fortunately, the DA here had read a copy of my manuscript 
and, according to several people I knew in his office, told her to 
let the matter drop. In May of '99, this kid graduated from college 
and has been in no further trouble.  

Around Easter of '95, one of my bio-half-sisters got arrested on a 
drug charge.  Due to already being on a 7 year deferred adjudication 
for a couple of previous drug arrests and the amount of drugs involved, 
that prosecutor was talking a MINIMUM of 8 years before she'd even be 
eligible for a parole.  She was threatening suicide if she went to 
prison at all. Our Mom called me and asked if I could or would do 
anything...  Again, my answer was "I'm willing to try; but, she has 
to ask me herself..."  We went up to visit her, I gave her the run 
down, and asked her if she wanted me to try to see what I could do.  
I had some very mixed feelings about trying to help; since she was a 
family member (although a rather recently acquired one whom I hadn't 
had just a whole lot of contact with), which opened up questions of 
objectivity and conflict of interest.  Plus, she was the type who 
could quote the "NORML" handbook virtually line for line; so, I really 
wasn't too sure that I wanted her to be a "test case" for the system I 
was working on developing. Over those next few months, I had to do some 
serious soul-searching about all of the elements involved. I had put 
her in touch with an attorney who'd helped a lot with the book and was 
willing to try to help get waivers approved; I recruited and trained a 
couple of people to work her case, in case it went through, etc.; but, 
I still wasn't comfortable with having her as my first official test 
case.  Things went up to the wire, with the head prosecutor over the 
drug unit willing to go with her attorney to talk to the DA about 
approving waivers (the same DA who'd told the other prosecutor to back 
off...) Suddenly, the prosecutor assigned to the case suddenly went 
from being unwilling to budge off of the 8 years before any chance of 
parole to an offer of 20 years suspended and 90 nights of night jail. 
LOL, needless to say, EVERYONE (myself included) was extremely relived 
when she took this offer.  

When I put up the first web site, I hadn't given much thought to going 
ahead and trying to get other test cases in the near future, it was 
mainly intended to promote the book and to get the information out to 
the public, to generate pressure towards legislation. Rep. Tom Cameron 
of Mississippi had filed the bill earlier that year and had enough 
committed votes in both thier house and senate for its passage; but, 
Rep.  Ed Blackmon, the chairman of their Judiciary B committee had 
refused to allow it to go to the floor for a vote.  

In less than a month of having the web site, though, I was contacted 
by a gal fron Arizona who was guilty of embezzeling about $2,600 from 
her boss, with the intent of replacing it before she was discoovered, 
to pay a private investigator for assistance in a rather nasty custody 
battle over her 2 young daughters.  After visiting with her rather 
extensively, I agreed to try to help her.  The fellow she had worked 
for was fairly good friends with the judge in the small town they lived 
in; and, he was far more interested in getting his money back than he 
was in seeing her sent to prison; so, he turned out to be an allie.  
Her attorney thought she was stark raving nuts; but, finally, agreed 
to assist in a deal whereby she would borrow the money to repay her 
ex-boss, drive to Oklahoma, and bring back a tape proving that she'd 
gotten 20 lashes.  In exchange, she'd be put on probation instead of 
going to prison and losing custody of her her girls to her emotionally 
abusive ex-husband.  She's now living in Tucson with her daughters and 
has also stayed out of trouble ever since.  

From there, things just slowly started snowballing along.  Almost from 
the very beginning, I was getting occassional querries about working 
guilt cases; but, I was really reluctant to do so. Eventually, though, 
a combination of the desperation of some of the folks who contacted me 
and the good results of the two cases back in the late '80's, I started 
taking on some of the more desperate requests.  Still, I was reluctant
to make it commonly known that I'd do so, since these sort of cases
aren't our primary focus and I'm not "into" whipping people.  Along
the way, though, one of my guilt clients told me of how he'd come
very close to putting a bullet in his head, in between a really bad 
experience that occurred from trying to go to a dominatrix (which did 
virtually nothing to get rid of his guilt) and later finding the CFEJ 
web site.  This guilt program seems to have worked rather well for him; 
and, I'd heard of other bad experiences people had gone through from 
trying to deal with their feelings by going to folks who were involved 
in s&m.  These had ranged from just being ineffective to being outright 
abusive.  Anyway, I finally got to thinking that there could very well 
be people out there who are just as desperate as that fellow was; so, I 
broke down, put the guilt page up on my other web site, put some it into 
some search engines, and ads up some ads for it in some of the places 
that such folks might visit out of such desperation. {shrug}  

I got hurt again, a whole lot worse, when I fell on those same two disks 
again in Oct. of '96; and, after I started recovering enough to be able 
to do a little bit here and there, I started accepting more of these 
"guilt cases."  Part of it was (admittedly) economic, part of it was a 
way to give some of the people I was training a chance to gain a little 
experience without having a prosecutor or judge breathing down our necks, 
and part of it was a need to feel useful at a time when my activities 
had been limited even further. 

Since I (otherwise) get by financially on a rather limited disability 
check (because of something called "traumatic fibromyalgia / myofascial 
pain syndrome," which developed as the result of the disk injuries, 
making me unable to hold up to any job where I'd have to be sitting 
or standing for any periods which were outside of my total control), 
accepting guilt cases makes it possible for me to continue my efforts 
to get changes made in the criminal justice system, by helping to keep 
the bills paid.  Even if I didn't need the money, though, I believe I 
would continue working with guilt clients.  Even more important than 
helping to keep the bills paid, I'm the sort of person who has to stay 
active and useful.  I would find my physical situation intollerable if 
I were not doing this (or, something else which resulted in similarly 
dramatic outcomes.)  I get a lot of satisfaction out of being a part of 
people getting their lives turned around, whether they be court-related 
or guilt clients.  Court-related cases take far more time to set up and 
can fall through for reasons which are totally outside of my/my client's 
control. (Which can be extremely frustrating!!!)  When working with guilt 
clients, there are fewer variables; so, the long hours I put into such 
"cases" are far more likely to result in moving forward to a favorable 
outcome.  It would be nice if such outcomes could occur without the 
infliction of any pain (which does occassionally occur); but, I've come 
to accept that the corporal punishment phase of this process is usually 
an unavoidable component for obtaing the needed changes.  Even though I 
don't get any sort of a kick out of whipping folks, I realize that it's 
a necessary component in either the court or guilt cases I take; so, I'm 
able to view it in much the same wa as I would view performing a painful 
dental procedure, if I were a dentist; or, pushing a physical therapy 
patient, if I were a physical therapist.  In any of these three types 
of situations, what's done is done in order to prevent considerablly 
worse consequences from occuring to the person. There was a time when 
it bothered me quite a bit to have spend a lot of time getting to know a 
person; then, to be the one to whip them; but, this no longer bothers me,
since I've had so many folks who've been helped and no one has been harmed
by it.

Even though I refuse (and will continue to refuse) to take any case where 
the person is really looking for a domme, isn't willing to do the written 
work involved, or is really suffering from guilt feelings that are the 
result of clinical depression rather than some specific and legitimate 
event in their past; and, even though I would never turn down a case that 
I was both justified in taking and able to work out a way to take, another 
factor in my continuing to work with guilt clients probably was having to 
turn down some court-related cases because they didn't have the money to 
cover the expenses involved and my having no way to cover them out of my 
own pocket, since I just barely keep ends meeting myself.  Such situations 
REALLY bum me and make me less satisfied with just getting by financially; 
so, taking on more guilt cases seemed like an "everyone wins" situation.  
I'm definitely not going to "get rich" off of doing this, especially 
between letting folks do community service in place of paying me, people 
getting cases of cold feet and backing out on the day before they're to 
get here, etc.; but, if I can occassionally get "far enough ahead" that 
I can afford the gas to get to a court-related client that I'd otherwise 
have to turn away, be able to "piggy-back" a deserving court or guilt 
case who otherwise couldn't afford to get me to their area/get to Okla., 
etc.; I'm okay with that. 

Anyway, that's how someone who isn't into bdsm and doesn't enjoy hurting 
people wound up whipping folks on a rather regular basis. {smile}  
Most of it was a copy and paste; but, I hope that more of the pieces 
fit together after having read it.  Even though what I do involves 
inflicting short-term pain, it's done with the intent of actually reducing 
(far worse) long-term pain.  I'm a rather serious pragmatist, I have a 
background that's given me a fairly unique ability to help people, I have 
a fairly strong need to feel useful, and circumstances came together in 
way that I'm able to turn some of the more negative aspects of my life 
into a way of being rather uniquely useful. It beats the heck out of 
laying here and doing something like data entry, even though that would 
probably pay a lot more and leave me with some semblence of free time.
{grin}  (I'd probably go nuts from boredom, though.)