. It's a well developed, four phase, process which incorporates
a series of written assignments, some done by e-mail and some done
after we meet (intended to bring the key elements to the surface,
where they can be identified and addressed during the punishment
phase), one to six days (depending upon the complexity of your
situation) of very intensive one-on-one discussion of these
assignments; then, a rather severe (but safe), objectively
determined, corporal punishment is used as a very effective
atonement catharsis. This is followed by approximately 24 hours
of observation, further written assignments, and discussion.
It's not a "magic bullet;" nor is it intended to replace any
needed therapy with a licensed professional; but, in situations
involving legitimate guilt, it's routine to accomplish more in
just a few days than what could accomplished in years of trying
to deal with these issues in therapy. They have expertise in
dealing with a wide variety of issues, many of which are side
issues to even legitimate guilt; but, unfortunately, the type of
guilt I help people to get beyond proves frustrating for a therapist
because what is really needed is actual punishment -- which they'd
lose their license if they were to inflict...
. Essentially, this is a program/process which I developed as
an off-shoot of a small alternative sentencing program (CAS) my
organization (CFEJ) runs. I did this as the result of the numerous
requests I received from people who were NOT facing any sort of
court charges; but, who were in serious trouble with "the judge
in their head." Initially, these people found and contacted me
through the CFEJ/CAS web site (a link to that site is available
on the index page.) Although there are numerous similarities,
the "guilt program" is an off-shoot of, rather than a part of,
the CAS program.
. Both programs use a combination of guided self-inventory,
exhaustive writing and talking, and a rather severe corporal
punishment phase to acheive the desired outcome. For the CAS
clients, this outcome is one of cessation of the desire to engage
in future criminal activity. For guilt clients, this outcome is
one of resolving the internal conflicts brought about by no longer
useful (and often counter productive) feelings of guilt. Although
people tend to get something of a case of tunnel vision about the
corporal punishment aspect of this process, that part is really
only about 5 percent of what's involved. The other 95 percent
wouldn't work without it; just as the punishment phase wouldn't
be anywhere near as effective without the rest of the work; but,
too much of the "tunnel vision" is counter-productive; save some
emotional energy for the self-inventory work... {smile}
. The acceptance criteria are completely different for the
two programs. The CAS program is for people who are
facing charges in a court of law, for a non-violent crime
and who have no history of violence. The screening process
for these people is extremely selective. With potential CAS
clients, the well-being of the public and our success statistics
are on the line; so, every variable must be considered. The
emphasis of the screening criteria for the guilt program is
considerablly less strict, with the primarily emphasis being
one of screening out people who's guilt feelings really stem
from depression or those who might be wanting to do this for
"kinky" reasons. You do NOT have to have done something
of a criminal nature for you to be accepted as a guilt client.
The source of your guilt must be an actual event or course
of events; which caused physical, emotional, or financial harm;
and, you must have had a reasonable degree of culpability for
the situation / control over the outcome. These cases have
been known to range the full spectrum - from purely moral issues,
such as adultery and/or the betrayal of trust; to issues which
would be considered criminal if all of the details had come out,
such as embezzelment or negligent homicide. Quite a high
percentage of the situations which people bring to me involve,
either directly or peripherally, the emotional abuse of loved
ones. Many others are connected with the effects of substance
abuse and/or impaired driving. I get quite a few people who are
involved in recovery programs, for whom the traditional 9th step
simply hasn't been sufficient to resolve their feelings about the
actions committed while they were drinking or drugging. (I have
additional quarters available on-site for situations when it's
appropriate for a person's recovery program sponsor to accompany
them here.)
. I want to say up-front that I realize most of you reading
this are very scared to begin with; and, reading the information
contained in these files is NOT going to mitigate that fear. The
only reassurances I can give you are that this process is safe
and that there's hope for you... I believe in being straight-
forward and "candy coating" nothing, though. Reaching deep
within yourself, in order to be able to walk through that fear,
is simply a part of all of this; and, doing so will make you a
stronger person when you make it through to the other side.
Even though this is NOT an easy process (either emotionally;
or, physically), it IS an extremely effective one.
I'M PRETTY SURE I NEED TO DO THIS;SO, WHAT NEXT?
. The application is rather lengthy and involved; but, it needs
to be... It is designed to help me determine whether (or not)
you'll benefit from this process; and, if so, how to best customize
our work together in order to acheive the best possible results for
you. Filling it out doesn't guarantee that I'll agree to accept your
case; and, it doesn't commit you to following through with this;
but, it is a first major step of the overall process, since completing
it requires a great deal of introspection. It (also) gives me a good
handle on what you're dealing with and helps me to develop further
questions for you. (Non-identifying) portions of it, and some of the
later assignments, provide important information for determining
a fair and effective sentence for what you've done; so, be totally
honest in answering the questions. Even though it's (obviously)
possible to lie or withhold relevant details from me, doing so is
NOT in your best interest. If your ability to sucessfully withhold
the truth from yourself hadn't already started breaking down, it's
unlikely that you would've contacted me, in the first place. If
you're going to do this at all, you might as well "do it right; and,
get it over with..." If you don't feel that you can trust me with
the information, just tell me that and what it would take for me
to earn that level of trust. If some of the information could
compromise you (or others), I don't have any objections to you
changing the names, dates, locations (etc.) in such a way as to
make them appear to have been bogus, in the event anyone were
to ever try to verify them. What IS important is that you keep
the emotional elements intact. If internet security is an issue
for you, we can arrange to do this part via an "anonymous"
e-mail account, which can't be traced back to you; or, as a last
resort, via "snail mail." I'm willing to be entirely open about
my identity (etc.) with anyone who is a serious prospective client;
and, I maintain a strict policy of confidentiality regarding any
information provided to me by my clients, including their identities.
. The medical questionaire is a fairly standardized one, intended
to make sure that there aren't any medical contra-indicators; and,
to determine if any special arrangements should be made to insure
your safety. It's critical that you be totally honest in filling this
out, since this process is both physically and emotionally stressful.
I've had three First Aid and CPR courses over the years; but, that
does NOT mean that I want to risk having to use that knowledge!
A person doesn't have to be "an athlete" to safely undergo this
process; and, there are numerous things which can be "worked
around," including back problems; but, it's essential that I know
of any such potential problems ahead of time. Your safety is very
important to me; so, although rather young, reasonablly fit and
active people might be allowed to sign an additional waiver in lieu
of it, I prefer that people undergo what's known as an "exercise
stress test" before arriving; and, bring the subsequently obtained
note from a doctor, stating that engaging in a strenuous physical
activity will not pose an undue threat to their health or life. You
don't want to have to go to the hospital with welts across your
back; and, I don't want to have to answer to both myself and the
authorities as to whether I was potentially negligent for not getting
a medical opinion before doing anything which would cause such
elevations in blood pressure and pulse... This is the same exam
required by many insurance companies and most reputable fitness
centers, sports clubs, or personal trainers. People generally tell
the doctor or physician's assistant doing the exam that they need it
because they are considering taking up a strenous sport or exercise
program. (LOL, I know of NO ONE, so far, who's come right out
and told them the REAL reason why their blood pressure and pulse
will be going way up... {wink}) If the doctor feels that rises in your
blood pressure and pulse aren't going to make you a likely candidate
for a heart attack or a stroke, I'll generally try to work around most
other problems; but, the intent of doing this is to IMPROVE your
life, NOT "to end it." Save us both a lot of hassle by being up-front,
with both me and your doctor, about any medical problems you might
have.
. I realize that all of this seems like a lot of hassle to most
people; but, I have a responsibility to take every reasonable step
to make sure I protect both you and myself... I'm sure that if our
situations were reversed, you'd want to do the same. Also, "the
hassle" is rather effective in screening out people who's real
problem is depression, rather than legitimate guilt.
. Once we mutually agree to work together; and, I have enough
information, it's time for me send your case out for sentencing.
If I alone were to sentence you; or, if you were allowed to specify
the punishment, it would leave too much room for you to later
"second guess" the true objectivity of the punishment which was
imposed. In order to prevent that possibility, I combine the
relevant information into a format which protects your identity
and send it out to between 3 and 6 of the people who've helped
me to work guilt and/or CAS cases (which insures that they aren't
"just pulling numbers out of thin air.") They review the details
of your case, give it some careful thought, and return a vote which
they feel would be both fair and effective (as do I.) Any suggestions
which you make ARE considered; but, are not binding, since your
objectivity and your understanding of this type of punishment are
limited. When I get all of the votes back, the highest and lowest
are discarded, the rest are averaged. In my experience, this tends
to result in very fair, unbiased, and objective sentences. Since
turning all of this over and walking through the fear involved is
an important element in the process of your being able to forgive
yourself, you aren't told of what decision was reached until about
an hour before the punishment is to be carried out. I realize that
this is very scary; but, after everything is over, you'll understand
why doing this in this manner was such an important element in
acheiving a sucessful outcome for you. I want to emphasize
that this is done in such a way that prevents anyone from being
able to identify you, even if they (by some odd chance) happened
to know you. To even further protect confidentiality, I sometimes
send out "training cases;" so, my people can't even be sure if it's
a real case which they're voting on; or, just a composite "training
case."
. Next (and sometimes overlapping the sentencing process),
we need to agree as to when and where we'll meet. There are
three options here; but, the first (your coming here and staying
at my place near Seminole) is by far the best, with the other
two trailing VERY far behind... There are a few other things
which will need to be done, some of which will vary, depending
upon which option you choose. For now, I'll just cover the
three which are "standard," regardless of where we meet:
1) Since I often work with people solo; and, the internet being
what it is, before I'll meet with anyone (in other than a public
place), I require that they send me a photocopy of their driver's
license or other valid photo ID. This is kept confidential and
secure (as is everything you send me); but, if I were to "go
missing," a friend of mine would know how to retrieve it. When I
get home from driving you back to the airport (or, you go home, if
you drive in), I destroy it. (Nothing personal; but, when meeting
with people met over the internet, it's a good idea to be careful...
I'm perfectly willing to send you a copy of mine, as well...) On
extremely rare occassions, when the circumstances involved are of
such a sensitive nature that more anonymity is justified AND I can
make arrangements to have someone else out here on my property
during your entire stay, I'll consider waiving this; however, I'm
extremely cautious about doing so. Don't ask me to do this unless
it's important enough to you that you'd be willing to cover the cost
of compensating such a person for their time, any missed work, etc.
2) Since I have absolutely no desire to risk getting either tossed
into jail for assault or getting sued, there will be a consent form
that you'll need to sign when you get here. You will be provided a
copy of it once it seems likely that we'll be working together; but,
prior to your arrival. This is for your review, only; and, if you
feel that you'd like to read it earlier, just let me know and I'll
send it to you sooner. All you need to sign in front of a notary is
what's commonly known as a "signature notarization." which involves
writing "This is a copy of my usual signature." and then signing it
in front of the notary. This can often be done here, especially if
you're from a state where notaries aren't allowed to do signature
notarizations. The important thing is that I have a notarized copy
of your signature, in order to validate your signing the waiver, in
private. (Since people are generally rather apprehensive about the
prospect of a notary wanting to read what they're notarizing....
In rare situations, where circumstances seem to justify it, I will
occassionally waive the signature notarization and allow a person
to sign their waivers using their e-mail address, validated by their
thumb print, in case I were to need it to defend myself in court
against any claims that anything was done without your consent. If
you feel that it's something you really need for me to allow you to
do, we can discuss it on an individual basis.
3) Not less than 14 days of the day you are scheduled to arrive, I
need to receive your $100 appearance deposit check. It will not be
cashed until 10 days prior to your arrival; or, unless you no-show
me, if you've made arrangements to do community service. (See the
"cost" page for more info. about the deposit.)
. I should add that I realize the first two of these precautions
really aren't necessary for dealing with 99.999999 percent of you.
In all the years I've been doing this, I've never had anyone try to
attack me and I've never had anyone try to take me to (civil or
criminal) court. The internet, however, is the internet; and, there
are a few really twisted weirdos out there (you should see some of
the e-mail get!) In order to be able to be here for the 99.999999
percent of you who are legitimate, I have to take precautions to
protect myself against the .000001 percent who might slip through
my screening process and arrive here with the intent of causing me
physical, financial, or reputational harm. It's not a matter of
being paranoid, simply realistic and prudent. The third tends to
be more universally applicable, since I totally clear my schedule,
as well as going to a great deal of effort getting things ready
for your arrival. When people start coming down with a severe case
of "the day before flu," their ability to even think about why they
have invested so much time and emotional energy into setting all of
this up gets shaky. Any thoughts of how much effort I've put into
doing the same can get totally tossed by the way-side. Even though
I do understand what you all go through as the time comes to pack,
drive to the airport, and get on the plane; I'm human and tend to
feel very unappreciated when I put in so much effort for nothing.
I can only put in so much only to get no-showed so many times before
I'll become frustrated enough to quit doing this. You can only
back out so many times before you lose any remnants of self-esteem.
The deposit policy, protects both of us; as well as protecting those
who will need me to be here in the future.
WHERE DO YOU DO THIS?
. Prior to May of 2000, there was no way around having to
use motels. An unsatisfactory arrangement, to say the least...
Here in Oklahoma City, I did have one place where I "had an
understanding" with the staff and that had rooms which were
large enough to accomodate the equipment; but, it was expensive
and the setting was not one with which I was comfortable. When
I had to meet with people in other towns, it was even worse, since
it could take days to find anywhere which was even marginal.
. In May of 2000, I acquired 7 acres out in the country (further
than that from the nearest "neighbors") and a 14 x 80 mobile
home, which I'm remodelling for the specific purpose of working
with those of you who feel that this process will of benefit you.
It is located approximately halfway between I-40 and Seminole,
Oklahoma; about an hour's drive east of Oklahoma City.
Although the progress of getting this place fixed up to my
standards is slow, I'm currently using it and it is proving
itself to be an excellent arrangement. When fully finished,
it will (also) have full facilities for seperately housing your
victim, should s/he choose to accompany you. The primary
"downside" to this new location is that my internet access is
severely limited when I'm out here (which seems to be most of
the time...) Prior to obtaining this place, I was able to spend
virtually all of the time not spent with a client doing e-mail.
Getting this place fixed up the way I really want it is almost a
full time job in itself; so, even though I now have full, on-site
internet access out here; until I finish all of the remodelling
and can get back to ONLY working with you folks, my reply times
can't always be a rapid as I'd prefer. Also, while someone is
here, I all but go off-line altogether. I realize this is very
difficult for everyone and it's normal to need a lot of emotional
support, quick replies to your e-mails, etc.; but, on the other
hand, you'd feel resentful if I spent any significant amount of
the time when YOU are here off doing e-mail; so, what I can't
get done without taking time away from a client who's here has
to be postponed until s/he goes home. Understand that you'll
receive the same consideration when it's YOU who's here...
Anyone progressing to a point where I'm fairly certain we'll
meet is given my pager number and code; so, if it's really
feeling like an emergency, page me and I'll ring you back just
as soon as it won't take time away from the client who's here.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN, ONCE WE MEET?
. Much of what follows will be the same, regardless of
which option you choose; so, I'll just note any differences
as I go along, rather than listing them seperately.
. When we arrive at the locaton where we'll be working, we
mutually inventory your bag. Via another link on the front
page of this web site, there is a list of things which you
can and can't bring with you. If it's not on the "approved"
list it (and, many of the things which are), will be locked
into a secure metal box, kept in your room, until it's time
to leave. I keep one set of keys, you keep the other; neither
of us can open the box without the other being present. We
both sign the inventory sheets and you get carbon copies of
them to keep. Next, you pick through a wide assortment of
"scrubs" that I have and choose some which fit you (if using
the motel, additional pairs for the other days you're here;
if we're in Seminole, they're in the closet of your room); and,
go into the bathroom to shower and change into them. I've found
that people tend to be more open (with both me and themselves)
if they aren't wearing their street clothes. Being in scrubs
also reduces people's tendency to want to go wandering around,
if we're meeting elsewhere... {wink}
. When you get out of the shower, it's time to get down to
work. I will have given you some written assignments to do
before getting here and the first couple of hours is generally
spent with your reading them to me and our discussing various
points, as they arise. Shortly before dinner time, I give you
a couple more assignments to work on while I'm gone, get the
money for your meal from you (I pay for my own meals); and, I
go on a meal run for us. If you come out to Seminole, there's
a good chance that I'll just microwave us something, rather than
driving into town. When I get back, we break for dinner; then,
get back to going over what you've been working on. We normally
work until fairly late that first night, especially if your only
going to be here for 2 or 3 days. When I give you assignments to
work on, I generally leave the room for a while so that you can
better concentrate on what you're doing. Often, I'm right outside;
but, there will sometimes be occasions when I need to leave for a
little while (extremely rare, here at Seminole.) In either case,
you're expected to stay inside the room/the client area of the
trailer, whether the gate is closed or not. (There is a security
gate between the client room/bath and the rest of the trailer,
since I sleep in the next room out there. One of the first things
I do is brief you on how to escape, if you really need to. It's
designed for an escape which is easy; but, noisy enough to wake me
up from even a sound sleep.) This process of your doing written
assignments and our discussing what you have written continues for
as long as it needs to, with my going on food runs or fixing meals
for us, as needed. The objectives are to bring everything as close
to the surface as possible; to give you some new perspectives; and,
to make it possible for me to know what needs to be included in the
"scripting tape." Even though I'm a very nice person (LOL, not
nearly as gruff as some of this might cause me to sound ),
very easy to talk with, and careful to avoid allowing this to turn
into any sort of a power struggle between us, you should expect me
to really push you and "your buttons." If you hadn't done something
very wrong, we wouldn't be having this conversation; and, it would
do you no benefit for me to minimize that fact... Many people find
the self-inventory part of this process even more difficult and
painful than the punishment phase; however, this is an essential
component in realizing the results you long for.
fedup@okplus.com
RETURN TO THE INDEX PAGE
Last Revised: 11/01/2002