Frequently Asked Questions

     New material is frequently added to this file; so, it 
will be expanded as I have the time to decide what to add.  
Feel free to suggest any questions which you feel it would 
be appropriate for me to post.  I don't want to discourage 
people from asking me any questions which they might have; 
so, I'm deliberately leaving a few of them out, to give folks 
a reason for visiting with me long enough to decide if they're 
comfortable with the idea of being open with me. {smile}



Q - 01) What are some examples of the sort of "cases" you'll 
        agree to help a person to deal with?

A - 01) They vary widely; but, the primary criteria is that the 
        guilt (and punishment) is well justified...  Any number 
        of things can fall under this heading (and have), such  
        as: adultery, driving under the influence of some mind 
        and judgement altering substance, physical or emotional 
        abuse of someone close to you, causing harm to someone 
        through false accusations or rumors, serious negligence 
        or betrayals of trust, actions for which one could have 
        been charged with a crime if they had been caught or for 
        which they were wrongfully acquitted, placing the well-
        being of others at risk in the course of alcohol or drug 
        abuse, non-prosecutable instances of date-rape or incest, 
        negligent homicide, etc.


Q - 02) What are you refering to when you use the term "false guilt?"

A - 02) False guilt is a feeling of guilt which is not based upon 
        real events, real harm, and real culpablity.  Examples of 
        false guilt include the generalized feelings of guilt which 
        can result from depression, guilt feelings which are the 
        result of "old tapes" (internal dialog, often originating 
        from derisive comments made to them in childhood; such as: 
        "You're worthless..." "You're more trouble than you're 
        worth..." "You can't do ANYTHING right!" etc.), guilt which 
        stems from "survivor's syndrome," etc.  I should clarify here 
        that even though nonspecific guilt is most commonly associated 
        with depression; in certain instances, it can also be the result 
        of incomplete shifts in one's value system, which might qualify 
        a person for this process.  It generally takes some serious 
        "sorting out" to tell the difference between the two, which I'm 
        willing to help you do, if you're willing to dig as deeply within 
        yourself as that takes... 


Q - 03) Isn't feeling guilty enough to seek out a corporal punishment 
        to deal with it evidence of depression or some "mental problem?"

A - 03) No, it isn't...  I'm not going to waste a lot of space here 
        disputing a bunch of "politically correct rhetoric" (to put 
        it more nicely than the terms which I'm really thinking...); 
        since, if you've bought into all of that, you're probably so 
        emotionally invested in it that it would be a waste of time 
        to argue with you about it.  Bottomline is that some behaviors 
        ARE wrong and severe guilt IS sometimes not only justified; 
        but, the person would have to have a serious mental problem 
        NOT to be feeling it...  
            Depression CAN definitely be a factor which can cause 
        feelings of guilt (which is one of the reasons that my app. 
        process is so extensive); so, it's sometimes a tough call to 
        decide whether the guilt feeling are the result of depression 
        or whether the depression is the result of the guilt feelings.  
        This is even further complicated by the fact that there is 
        sometimes a combination of the two involved, feeding one 
        another...  Although I won't automatically turn someone away 
        on the basis of clinical depression, I tend to be even more 
        cautious than usual in such circumstances.
        

Q - 04) Why do you go to the trouble of checking back with people 
        who ask for information; but, then, drop out of contact?

A - 04)  I realize that even making the initial contact is not 
         something which anyone is going to do lightly; so, if 
         I don't hear back from them, I can never be sure, if 
         it's because: 
         A) they decided that this wasn't really what they were 
         looking for; 
         B) some misinterpretation has occurred;
         C) they're out there struggling with the conflict between 
         a feeling that they need to do this versus the fear of 
         following through with it;
         D) they misplaced my address while they were thinking 
         it over;  
         E) an e-mail problem occured, which caused an e-mail to 
         not go through or to "bounce back;" 
         F) they decided to try a domme first (which generally 
         doesn't work) and are in a bad place emotionally; or 
         G) any of a multitude of other things which I've run 
         into over the years. 
            I do my best to balance checking back with  people and 
         not making a nuicance out of myself; but, the bottom line 
         is that YOU contacted ME; and, if you don't want the follow 
         ups, you should have enough basic consideration to take 
         one minute of your time to tell me that such follow ups 
         are unneeded...   {smile}


Q - 05) How effective is this, really?

A - 05) Extremely!  It's not uncommon for people to tell me that 
        they've made more progress within the few days which they 
        spent here than they had in several years of therapy.  It 
        is NOT any sort of a "silver bullet;" but, due to several 
        factors, it provides a bridge between ones past and future 
        and helps the person to lay a good foundation for moving 
        forward with their life.


Q - 06) I know you make great efforts to keep info confidential, 
        but you ask for so much info.  I wish there was a way I 
        could use your services without having to tell you so much 
        about me and my identity. 

A - 06) I run into that quite a bit; but, unfortunately, there 
        really isn't a way around that which wouldn't strip a lot 
        of the effectiveness of all this...  It's the COMBINATION  
        OF all the writing, the talking, the overcoming of the 
        emotional hurdles, and the punishment which causes this 
        to work so well when nothing else has...   For anyone who 
        finds themself thinking this; but, perhaps not feeling 
        comfortable saying it, I suggest that you ask yourself 
        the following: 
        A) What would be my "worst case scenario" about such 
        disclosure? 
        B) How does it compare to the risks I incur by going to 
        a domme? 
        C) How does it compare to what I put myself through over 
        my guilt feelings? 
        Plus, when this is an issue and in spite of it, people stay 
        in contact long enough to express it to me, I generally ask 
        them (along the lines of), "How would you feel about writing 
        out the answers to the initial survey and the application in 
        a notebook, strictly for your own use; then, deciding later 
        whether or not to share them with me?"  They often find that 
        they are less apprehensive about sharing the information with 
        me than they are of taking a long, hard look at it themselves.  
        Until one is willing to do that, very little they try is going 
        to work for them...  I try not to push people into any of this; 
        but, here's an analogy I want you give some serious thought: 
        What if you had an abcessed tooth, which was not only painful 
        but affecting your overall health and quality of life?  You 
        really need a root canal, which you dread and would really 
        prefer to avoid.  A variety of half-measures are out there; 
        but, you're going to be very lucky if they give you much in 
        the way of relief...  Would you rather try every other avenue 
        of avoidance, only to have them not work? OR, get it taken care 
        of right in the first place and be done with it???


Q - 07) Why is the punishment done across the back, instead of the 
        buttocks?

A - 07) Primarily because there is far less chance of it being 
        sexualized; and, it tends to "run off" the folks who are 
        inclined to sexualize this sort of stuff.


Q - 08) Wouldn't the buttocks be safer?

A - 08) No, not really...  The type of whips used for the punishment 
        phase are very safe.  The only exception to this is when a 
        person has had a significant back injury or surgery, in which 
        case I will (with several stipulations) make an exception. If 
        you want me to consider doing so, though, be prepared to show 
        a valid medical reason for such a subsitution.


Q - 09) Why are you insistant on not taking bdsm-type cases?

A - 09) I'm not a domme, have no desire to be a domme, and wouldn't 
        be good at it even if I was, since I'm not "into" a bunch of 
        fantasy and domination crap...  If that's what someone is 
        looking for, there are plenty of folks out there who would 
        be happy to provide it for them; but, virtually no one else 
        is doing what I do; so, I have every intention of sticking 
        with what I'm good at...  


Q - 10) If this isn't erotic for you, what's your motive?

A - 10) I really love getting reports back from folks about how much 
        their lives have improved, as the result of their time here. 
        What I do has helped a great number of people to rebuild their 
        self-respect; and, in doing so, helped them to restore their 
        lives. families, and careers.  Nothing of an erotic nature 
        could EVER come anywhere close to that sort of satisfaction.


Q - 11) If you aren't a domme and not involved in bdsm, how did you 
        wind up (or, how do you handle) whipping people?

A - 11) This is such a long story that it has its own page...  When 
        you get back to the main page, follow the link entitled "How 
        all of this got started."

Q - 12) If 10 is true, why do you charge a fee? 

A - 12) Doing this involves a major commitment of my time; one which 
        I would be unable to make, if I didn't charge enough to at least 
        keep my basics covered...  I bought this place out in the country 
        primarily in order to provide you all with a safe, low-cost, place 
        where you can come to deal with your issues, The electric company 
        really couldn't care less about how much of a difference I'm making, 
        they just want their bill paid...  If my car breaks down and I can't 
        fix it, I can't very well pick you up at the airport and drive you 
        the @60 miles out to Seminole.  Besides, it reduces the number 
        of folks who are just "yanking my chain."  Having said all of 
        that, I make a point of NEVER turning anyone who's sincere away 
        because of an inability to pay. I can always work out some form 
        of arrangement for them, ranging from allowing them to pay it 
        out with post-dated checks, to trading out help around my new 
        place, to their doing community service work in their home towns. 
        If you feel that you need to come here, DO NOT let an inability 
        to afford the fee deter you from contacting me.  I WILL work 
        something out with you!


Q - 13) Don't you mind if people take up your time when they aren't 
        really certain that they're going to go through with it, 
        especially since you don't charge for the time you spend 
        doing internet work with them?

A - 13) No, I don't, as long as they really are trying to sort through 
        their feelings, instead of getting some sort of a kinky thrill 
        out of visiting with me.  I've deliberately tried to structure 
        this overall process, which includes the parts which occur long 
        before a person even makes a definite commitment to coming here, 
        to be very introspective and useful to the person even if we 
        never meet...  If it turns out that the person's life improves 
        enough from doing the initial assignments that actually coming 
        here is no longer needed, so much the better!  Sometimes these 
        folks choose to "make a donation" when that occurs; and, other 
        times they can't or don't; but, either way, "the emotional 
        payoff" is still there for me, which is the real reason that I 
        do all of this... {grin}


Q - 14) I know that I really need to do this; but, how can I get over 
        my fear?

A - 14) It's not a matter of "getting over the fear;" it IS a matter of 
        walking through it...  Being extremely scared is absolutely 
        normal!  Who wouldn't be???  Part of proving to yourself that 
        you're deserving of the self-forgiveness which you seek involves 
        proving to yourself that you've changed your character enough to 
        no longer "be the same person" who committed the original actions. 
        By going through with this IN SPITE OF the fear you feel, you're 
        showing yourself that you've become emotionally mature enough to 
        do what you NEED to do, instead of just following your whims, as 
        you had been doing when you did what you're feeling remorse about 
        having done...  Although  some of you reached a point where you 
        are needing to do this out of some act of carelessness, many of 
        the rest of you did what now has you in trouble with yourself out 
        of a tendancy to do what you wanted to do / not do what you didn't 
        want to do.  Going through with this process marks a turning point 
        where the higher parts of yourself have taken control from more 
        childish part of yourself.  Inner strength/strength of character 
        really isn't all that different from physical strength, in that 
        it has to be exercised in order to be built up and maintained.  
        Some of you will be further along in your ability to do this than 
        others; but, every one of you DOES have the capacity to "do the 
        right thing" in spite of "what you feel like doing."  It takes 
        staying focused on the bigger picture of your ultimate goal (in 
        this case, the goal of obtaining/earning the internal permission 
        to forgive yourself), even though the path to it is a difficult 
        one.


Q - 15) Why the deposit policies; and, what if I'm sort of wishy-
        washy about sending the deposit and showing up?

A - 15) As occassionally occurs when a person is strongly "flip 
        flopping" between judge and defendant facets, if you cancel 
        after the 10 day point or no show without a deposit being in 
        place, you must make good on the original deposit prior to my 
        agreeing to let you book a new set of days.  There is something 
        of a paradox at work within me, in that I don't mind tototally 
        waiving my fee to work with someone who's destitute but sincere; 
        so, it's not really "about the money."  When I go to a lot of 
        effort to accommodate someone and they're unwilling to do what 
        it takes to get themselves here, however; THEN, my own finances 
        take on an exaggerated sense of importance.  I DO, absolutely, 
        understand that it is difficult to muster up the inner strength 
        to get ones self here.  I'm willing to do all I can to help you; 
        in fact, that's the primary reason why I bought this place out 
        near Seminole (even though it meant virtually wiping myself out 
        financially and still having to contend with a mortgage on the 
        place through May of 2003...)  It's the reason why I don't charge 
        anything for the many hours I spend doing e-mail, both to help 
        people and to make sure that anyone who needs me knows that they 
        have a solution available to them.  It's the reason why I put in 
        16 hour days even for people who's financial situations require 
        that I let them trade out doing community service in exchange for 
        my entire fee, even when that has meant my having to use money 
        needed for paying utility bills to have the gas to get them to 
        and from the airport...  So, aside from the additional economic 
        hardships imposed on me by having people back out, it's quite an 
        emotional "kick in the teeth" to put so much in myself and then 
        have the person I'm doing it for not be willing to follow through 
        on what they need to do -- it's a disregard for the efforts I go 
        to.  I didn't get you into your situation, YOU DID...  Most of you 
        got yourselves into your original situation by placing your own 
        inclinations ahead of a concern for the effects which your actions 
        would have upon others, in one way or another.  The fact that you 
        are planning to go through this process says a great deal in your 
        favor; but, that "defendant facet" still retains aspects of the 
        person who committed the original actions, including a basic lack 
        of consideration for others.  It's that same defendant facet which 
        causes people to back out on the verge of seeing this through.  I 
        don't mind doing whatever it takes to help anyone who's serious 
        about helping themselves; but, I'm not willing to be added to the 
        list of victims which your self-centeredness has racked up...


Q - 16) What is a "scripting tape;" and, why do you use it? 
        What do you do with it after the punishment?

A - 16) A scripting tape is an audio tape which I prepare prior to the 
        punishment phase of our work together.  In addition to giving 
        me a timed count of the lashes, it gives you specific points 
        to focus upon.  In terms of practical reasons, I pre-record it 
        because I have enough to keep track of during the punishment 
        phase (such as keeping a close eye on you for any signs of a 
        potential problem) without trying to remember all of the 
        relevant points and their appropriate order.  From a psychological 
        standpoint, the wording is absolutely critical, given the tendency 
        of the sub-conscious to be literal and to ignore words such as not. 
        During the punishment phase, the sub-conscious is very near the 
        surface; so, an error in wording could reinforce negative attitudes 
        which really need to be undermined.
             After the punishment, I give you the tape, to do whatever you 
        wish with it.

Q - 17) ???  Suggest a question to include here...




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E-mail: Kathy (Renbarger) at:  fedup@okplus.com






  Last updated: 11/01/2002